Lost

Beep. Beep. Beep.

     I wake up to the fimilar sound of my alarm clock like every other day. A routine I have come to live by since I began to grow up. It over overcomes my dreams as I dissolve back into the reality I have become accustomed to.

     Beep. Beep. Beep.

     I decide theres no chance of recovering my dream so I lift my hand and press it againt the sleep button. The cold smoothness of the piece of grey plastic feels distant. I lift the sheets and the cold I had just encountered moments ago swarms my body and crawls around my legs. Goosebumps form all over, as my hairs stick up into the untouched air like an isolated tower surrounded by a sea of trees. My distaste for the daily awakening strengthens as each day persists. Day after day my expections for it greaten however, my hopes that it will not occur grow as well.

     Leg by leg, I swing each over placing my feet onto the slippery hard-wood floor. One of the qualities I believed was pleasant in my home until now. My toes cringe as I walk towards the bathroom. My baggy shirt and boxers sway as I continue my journey, getting caught in the bathroom counter’s edge. I pull forward, uncaring of the repercautions that will follow.

     I quickly pull off my garments while turning the shower’s metal knob towards the right. After the heat begins to engulf the room, I open the plastic curtain and pull my body into the shower’s warmth. Diminishing my goosebumps, the hot water washes over every limb as though time has come to slow motion. The texture of water is one of difficult description. Soft and smooth, almost as though we can imagine it to be whatever we desire.

     I shut off the shower and watch the bulbs of water grow above my head. I step out onto the rug as I realize my day has begun. March 4^th, 2000, the day I would loose the one person I thought I could trust.

     

Is Your Time Calling?

Time; a concept very few can grasp and an aspect pertaining to life we tend to overlook. Without time, we amount to nothing, time is what pushes and strengthens us. Not only do we forget about the lack of time within our possession, we dismiss the idea that we'll never get it back. Our tenth birthday, our first swing set, the dog we once had, our yesterday no longer exists. The only way they can be conjured is if we remember, we remember a certain point in time that brings back smiles or tears. We face forward with our head tilted down, as we are blinded when it comes to our end. When our time runs out will we never be able to remember? Will all those moments disappear into thin air and be left as a ghost? We assume that there will always be a tomorrow but for many, who don't expect it, there is none. So do we spend a lifetime dreading our end or do we embrace it and create memories everyday? Those ghosts may not bring meaning to others, but they will always give you a reason to hold on. Our time is calling, will you pick up?

A Simmering Thought

Unfortunately in our day and age appearances matter, the clothes we buy, the makeup we wear, and the hair we style every morning matters. The first impression is always based on the appearance we present, whether we accept it or not. Most of the time when we come to this conclusion it results in an unfavorable truth, however there are things out there that are beautiful with a natural appearance. The way the sun hits the leaves providing a gleam that somehow simmers into our memory or the way snow dances around the sky until it settles on the ground nestled up with the other flakes. There are appearances in the world that we overlook everyday, that we take for-granted; the beauty of nature or the intricacy of life. Our minds have become numb to these surroundings in order to focus on superficial looks that were never real in the first place. Look, smell, feel, listen, and taste the beauty, let the sun make you glimmer.

Person of Life

How can you ease away pain when you're stuck in it all the time? How can we fall captive of the darkness we have run away from our entire lives? I've been wondering if the darkness is so bad? We grew up in worlds of dissatisfaction and fear of judgement, just to become accustomed to them in adulthood. The glaring eyes and painful stares are all signs in which it's time to fled, we learnt that as a child. But in reality, have our brave ancestors who feared no one slowly dwindle off? I run, hide, and avoid confrontation in order to relieve pain and tears for just one more minute, but is that right? Should we stand up and fight for the right to enjoy life or do we watch it pass us? I learnt that live throws you it's challenges to gain respect for who you have become. Life is a test of strength and endurance, and I have found that out the hard way. Perhaps the running and trying and tears have all made me a stronger person, perhaps I am a person of life.

Morals and Silence

Is it morally justified if you look at someone else when you are in a relationship? Is it okay to look but hold yourself back? Or does holding yourself back prove that you want something more? To me, each aspect pertaining to love is finely woven together to form a unique, yet fragile structure. What if the feeling in our stomach doesn't go away and we begin the cycle all over again...? Do we pretend it's not there, or do we move on from what once was? I think it's time for me to figure it out but most importantly I wish they could figure it out. Maybe if I spoke up? Or maybe staying quiet is the best way because morally speaking, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, especially people I care about. Perhaps the perspective of Utility is right, greatest good for the greatest number. I know if I remain silent I will help the greater number. Silence is the killer of painful words.

Don't Wake Up

When is it time to give up? Is it after countless failures or numerous disappointments? Do we give up after our hopes have been crushed and our dreams have been shot? When is it time to lay down and forget the world? Sometimes life feels like it rushes around you while you're standing still. The world revolves around you for that one instant until you wake up and realize it's time to try again. We get back up and push forward all in an effort to try again. But when is it time to give up? The goals we once had so brightly lit in our minds fade into abandoned signs along with the light of our dreams. Perhaps a way to overcome this need for a break is to simply nap, but what happens when you don't want to wake up? What happens when we have pushed too hard for too long and we need to give up? What happens when we just don't wake up?

Infected With...?

What happens when the body becomes infected, infected with an emotion we can't grasp? We brush it off because we think the chill from the wind or the tingling in our back cause it. We brush it off because we don't have time to think about our feelings. The infection spreads and feeds off the ignorance we blissfully surround ourselves in. What happens when we have feelings for someone but something else sprouts, is it time to enter new territory or do we remain in our safety zone? I haven't been able to answer this question because there is no right answer. What's right when you think the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with isn't the one for you? What happens when the gleam in someone else's eye catches yours before you can breathe. Do we breathe or do we hold our breathe, in hopes for it to pass? For the infection to retreat from medications that will make you into a false perception of who you are. Do you let the infection spread or do you pretend it's not there? Infections are what keeps us feeling alive, because without them we would take our health for-granted. I'm infected and I don't know if it's what I want...

History

History. It's what has made us the people we are today. The memories; laughs, tears, fights, and even the ones slipping away all play a part in who we have become. It's impossible to go back in time and change or shift certain pieces of our past to make our future better. We are who we are. Remembering is the most important aspect pertaining to our history. The sensation that occurs when we remember can be intense or relaxing depending on the memory but it's a part of us. It's just as important as our arm or heart. Our history keeps us going, our history makes us go.

Impossibly Un-In-Love

What happens when someone tells you they love you but you don't feel the same? I think the best option is to smile uncontrollably and go in for a kiss but is lying and pushing away the feeling just plain wrong? It's possible to have feelings for someone however they could not be "it." As much as I try to feel love and to find a way on the right path it almost seems impossible, like an army of lions is guarding my future. Is it okay to be with someone knowing you'll never feel love? Is it fair to yourself? Is crushing on someone a red flag for an impossible love? Is love impossible?

Breaking Up: A Deep Depressing End

Breakups are hard, and usually if you're the one initiating it, the guilt penetrates so far deep down that you want to pretend you aren't about to say what you want. Avoiding the situation may seem possible at the time and it may be all you want however the end is inevitable; especially if you think about it. Perhaps the problem with breaking up is that there is never a word that feels less depressing but creates the same closure as "break-up." I have, for the most part, been the one initiating the end of a relationship and it is truly a difficult thing, so delicate and even the nicest way of putting it can sound cruel. I think what happens when you fall in love is that breaking up is not even an option so does that mean I was never in love? Does that mean everything I had with one guy is less than he or I thought? When you're in love do you ever want to end it?

Chances - Given and Gone

Chances always remind me of flower petals, you pull one off thinking "He loves me" or "He loves me not" but when those petals hit the ground what happens? When the proposal is left there does it expire or is it an unlimited time offer? I guess it depends on the situation but chances are delicate and choosing which ones to accept alter your life, possibly in dramatic ways. If we get these chances why do we always allow ourselves to blow them off or immediately decide? Isn't it time to step back and take it in? As much as I'd like to say I've chosen the right offers I have made a few wrong ones. Falling in love with someone and buried it, doesn't count as my best decision but it happens. The chance of falling out of love with him never appeared and now I'm stuck in a world where I can only pretend I'm not interested. Chances. The ones I've given have been all or nothing or simplistic but every one counts, but what happens when you have given a chance but it's been left there. I gave him a chance should it be given again or is it gone?

Dreaming in a Miserable Drought

I can dream, I can hope but I'll never get it. The man of my dreams - the one who lives near me across town but will never see me for more than a friend. As droughts form we begin to lose hope in aspects pertaining to the "drought-er" but aren't droughts supposed to be nourished eventually? Aren't we supposed to get what we want after almost 7 years of waiting for it; after 7 years of waiting for him? As much as I attempt to forget and release all my feelings they always come back whether it being 3 years of trying to move on or a memorable summer that will never fade. Maybe in a realistic world life isn't fair - and most of the time it isn't, but haven't you ever wondered if that ONE thing should turn out right? ONE thing you wish for will come true? Well after 7 years of knowing him I still wish for the same thing; a chance with my prince charming, a chance for him to see me differently. Maybe instead of the girl who sings while he accompanies I could be the girl he dreams about. Maybe I'm dreaming in a miserable drought...

Obstacles

Does the lack of jealously in a relationship mean that you're just not committed? That all the connection you thought you once shared was never there? Sometimes I feel like I need to pursue this jealously but I never stick to it, I never actually feel jealous... But what if you become jealous of someone else? Someone you used to care about but never had a chance with - what if all those old feelings are suddenly brought up that you thought you buried. I thought all those feelings were locked in a box and in a treasure hunt that would never be solved - unfortunately it seems I have solved it all on my own. I took the shovel and dug up the raw emotions that I felt with someone else. 3 years may have passed but surprisingly my feelings had not. I had finally found a way to get what I want but I just had one obstacle: My boyfriend.

Start Over

The thing about love, is the give and take - making compromises and realizing everything you've wanted is right there; in front of you. Sometimes when you're with someone that has flaws that stick out to you, the sudden realization that there may be better makes the guilt unfavorable. On one hand sticking to comfort may be worth while but haven't you ever wanted to go on an adventure and feel butterflies? What if the time finally comes when the happiness of comfort is no longer fun? What if those butterflies have flown all the way from your stomach to your mouth? A mouth that may just say "I need a break" or "I think it's time to move on." What do we do when everything we've known is no longer what we want or need? How do we end it with wanting to start over?

How do we Know?

How do you know? Some things in life have become so unclear I've begun to wonder how we are ever able to answer this question. With all the variables and, "What ifs," in life how do you know? Perhaps we are all aware of the basics such as our age or hair color but what happens when the foundation of who we are slowly rots away; all of our clarity pulled out from right underneath us? We begin to question ourselves. Am I truly the person I was two weeks ago or even two moments ago for that matter? As humans we are constantly changing and morphing to become what and who we hope but what if who we want to be counters who we were born to be?

The Unknown

I think some of the most terrifying things in life are what we are unaware of. Things that linger every corner or watch our every move, the things in hiding that wait to pounce. But the question is, if we don't know what it is how can it terrify us? Maybe it's because we're scared to what could happen, all the endless possibilities created from our never-ending imagination. As much as I'd like to say that one day we'll conquer the unknown there's an equal chance we won't. And maybe thats what makes life worth living; not knowing what to expect. Not knowing if tomorrow the love of your life will walk through the doors, or if you just purchased the winning lottery ticket, or even something as simple as the lucky jacket you lost last week will turn up. Life is full of surprises, good and bad, and it's up to us to make the choice of whether those surprises are worth waking up for in the morning, if those surprises are worth our breathe.

Silence

Have you ever been in the position where you never quite know how to word how you feel? Where you can't put your finger on what crazed emotions are running through your veins? When everything you say affects people around you so the easiest way to please them all in to stay silent? Maybe its just me but I try to keep all my thoughts in my head until I know for sure what I feel. I don't want to get caught up in feelings I'm not sure exist but I also don't want to confide in what I know I feel. Honestly, feelings are one of the most vague things in this world. They are so complex yet we sum them up into one word; sad, happy, upset, depressed. How can a universe of emotion be put into something so small, something we say everyday but never think twice about? I try not to say what I'm thinking until I know it's real but how do we get to that point? The point of knowing it's real? Do we say what we want even if it could give out false hope only to later crumble dreams or do we remain silent until we decide for ourselves? The only problem is, what if that silence lasts forever?

Decisions: Right from Wrong

What happens when you're stuck between two worlds? What repercussions occur from every decision you make? And what actions must you follow through on to prevent negative consequences? I've always been someone who finds their-self caught in two worlds, mostly it happens with relationships, friendships, family, but even our day to day lives can blur the lines of what we want and what we have. Unfortunately for the majority of the population we never quite get those two lines to intersect. But what happens when we start hurting the people we care about because we cannot make up our mind? Because we don't know what we want? Life is such a delicate thing, you only have it for a certain amount of days so why would we let ourselves settle for less than what we want? Is it because we don't think we deserve it? Because it feels impossible to achieve? Or because we just never know what we truly want? I think that we have to find those two lines and focus on which one is more important, whether it being what you want or have, maybe then we can make the right decisions.

A World of Beauty

I've always wondered is it possible to live in a world of make believe? In a world where princes defend their damsels and evil step mother's get locked away forever? In one way, I think we all live in a type of universe where whatever we want happens, unfortunately most of the time, it's just our dreams. We can always make our dreams become reality if we strive for it, but what if this world we live in suddenly turned into a place of beauty? A place people would want to be? A place ALL people would want to be? Perhaps it's impossible but maybe, just maybe we could make it happen. I try not to live in my head but that's where I go when I need to think, when I need to breathe. And maybe my head is full of typical fairytale stories, but to me thats a world that I would enjoy living in.

Reciprocating?

When we all begin to develop feelings for someone how do we know if they are reciprocating them back? To me, that's one of the most difficult steps when entering the world of a new relationship. Back in the 1950's a guy would walk up to a girl and say, "Damn Betty, you're a fox!" At that point it was obvious how he felt, he had the courage to say something completely outside of the box just to satisfy his curiosity. Modern day most people flirt with a group of people making it more difficult to decipher how they feel for you. So maybe we could ask? Maybe we could wait? Or maybe we could just walk up to them and kiss them? There are ways of finding out the truth, unfortunately situations like the last one don't happen too many times because we are all afraid. Humans are just simply, and easily afraid of rejection.

Faced With Reality

I'm a dreamer; plain and simple, but what happens when a dreamer is faced with reality? The fictional story line I once starred has become a dry, non fiction memoir. Someone close to me has recently opened my eyes to a new way of thinking, a new way of living. Unfortunately I am incapable of saying how I feel and I have become limited in how I can open up, but honestly, I've always had trouble with that. However, dreaming is something I am good at, but maybe too good. I slip into this unrealistic world that prevents me from feeling pain and loss, and in some ways it's helpful but in other cases it restricts us from seeing what's right there, in front of our eyes. I wish dreamers had the courage to say how they felt but unfortunately we continue to thrive in an imaginary world forcing people to the side lines. But what if there was one person that could change this world? Could change how we see everything and everyone? Would we be willing to sacrifice our fictional story line for one person?

Rules: To be Broken or Not to be Broken

I've always found the saying, "Rules are meant to be broken," strangely interesting. In one way it's the truth, we make rules to prevent people from continuing a previous action but some won't listen. In another aspect rules are just boundaries created to give the powerful ones confidence. Almost as though they feel better about themselves after destroying yet another freedom we all once had. Lately I've been fascinated with human reactions to rules. Basically we listen and we follow, almost as though we were trained to do so. BUT, when certain people decide to go against the grain, what in their mindset allows them to warp this knowledge all humans are dealt? I see rules as straight lines; they have no depth and lack theory but the people that disobey their own nature, their lines becomes waves and curves. They become 3-d, they become vivid.

Decisions and Choices

Why are we all so afraid of making the wrong mistake? Of keeping up appearances? And of choosing the right people? It's so ironic that we put so much power into people we have never thought about. We make the right decisions to the public's eye even though inside we know we've made the wrong one. So my question is, why? Why have we allowed ourselves and our right minds to crawl into hiding when we are faced with choices? Obviously, some are greater than others unless you think picking out a certain pair of underwear could change your future. We go through life on a path that can turn at any moment but what happens when we do something we know isn't ourselves? Or when we make a decision that doesn't reflect what we internally wanted? Does our path become paved the way we created it or the way we wanted it? Maybe we should all start saying what we feel and forget the consequences for once, maybe we should do what feels right.

Movies = Dreams

I think the reason behind our love for movies is the fact that they all reveal hidden dreams we all have. Being the selfless super-hero, finding prince charming, and even discovering ourselves. Day after day we try our hardest to figure out who we are and what we can become, but movies provide us with silent hope. We all have seen a film but the thing about them is they force us into the position to relate to the situations being shown. We put ourselves in the shoes of these fictional lives and forget about who we are, just for a minute, and once the two words, "The End," pop onto the fading black screen we wake up in our own worn down shoes. The reason we watch these movies over and over with meaningless plots and basic characters is because we want to believe that one day our lives will turn around. One day we'll discover a hidden super power or that the right guy was right in front of us the entire time, or even that we finally understand who we have become. Movies deliver the human population with dreams.

Trying

Have you ever got the feeling that you're dying inside, that every breathe you take slowly becomes less worth it, less worth everything. People might say thats called seeing the world as a half empty cup but what if that cup was never full? Some people are blessed to be able to grow up with happy families, flexible financial situations, and loving friends, unfortunately I wasn't born into that chosen group. Lately I've begun to wonder if life ever does change because that is what has gotten me through all those difficult times; knowing one day everything will work out. What if there is nothing to work out? What if we are born into a life we must carry on until the end? If so, is it ever worth living? Why try when we just get yelled at for doing our best, for putting up with shitty situations our entire lives?

The Perfect Fit?

Cinderella's glass slipper. I wonder if it would fit me anytime now? It feels as though everyone around me has been paired off with someone they love and I'm, well, me. In movies they always have the beautiful princess being swept off her feet by prince charming, but should we all come to the realization that there is no prince? That that glass slipper has fallen off the face of the Earth? Or maybe even my eight and a half sized feet wouldn't fit into the perfectly sized slipper? As children all girls dream of growing up and falling in love, but it almost feels like it's planned. It seems that everyone grows up at a certain time, finds love at a certain time, and lives happily ever after at a certain time. As much as I hate to admit it I have a soft spot for romance, alright it's probably softer than rabbit fur but my point still stands. Romance is something us girls grow up dreaming about but it's also something we crave in a way. The mystery and passion behind it always lures us in and that's most likely why we fall for the wrong guys who say the right things. Have we become so consumed with fitting Cinderella's glass slipper that we have forgotten our own?

Tick-Tock

Crying; I've always found it such a delicate thing. So full of emotion that your body pushes it out in the form of liquid crystal. It's truly a beautiful thing until you open up your mind and ask why? Why are these tear streaming down someone's face? Pain, sorrow, loss, fear, love, guilt, or just plain sadness. I've always found crying such an interesting thing, really. The sound we make is just a few pitches off of laughter and the tears always come to an end. We're always so close to happiness even in our deepest moments of despair. It's almost as though a clock is slowly ticking in the background, telling us to suck it up and smile. And that's just what we do, we smile, and put on a brave face for the world. We all cry, it's an aspect that nature created but why has humanity come up with the sick idea of confining it? Would holding it in truly benefit us or just drive us even further from sanity? All I'm suggesting is that the clock in your head is softly telling you, "Tick-Tock."

Destinations

For some reason, I've always had this voice in my head that has wanted me to run away. Getting away seems like such a good idea sometimes but I wake up and realize that I'm stuck here for two more years. Haven't you ever felt as though there's something more to life than this day to day routine? That you're born to change the world or cure cancer? That you can make pain go away? Maybe I could even bring along a handsome guy for the road trip, or maybe I'll fly away and change continents? It's obviously all up in the air but one day I'll get there, I'll get to my destination.

Lying and All the Reasons Why

Doing the right thing is beyond difficult letting a lie slip out. The truth is so valued but often avoided. The reason why being honest has become so hard is because lying is easier than the truth. It eases your ears and even convinces you of something surreal and perhaps thats another reason we lie, we do it to assure ourselves that the truth has become the lie. Sometimes, if we're lucky, the lie even gets us what we want, but eventually those lies build up. They become an unavoidable plague that is too much to handle, and all the lies and the truth blur together. We can live in a world of make-believe or we can REALLY live. I suppose we all have a say in the matter but to me, I think I'll take the truth and all the glory... and confusion that it brings.

Realism and Lies

I grew up on a strict diet of realism and lies. I always kept to myself to insure I'd never have to take on that diet with anyone else. I always believed isolation was the answer but I've become aware that it's difficult to make bonds when you have that mind set. Dishonesty is something I've recently had a hard time digesting. People who you once trusted can, at any moment, take off their mask and show the true monster that has always been in hiding. I guess I never truly believed in monsters until that day, the day I realized most my life has been a complete lie. I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again, or even get close, and perhaps thats why I'm a dreamer. I can distance myself from everything and create picture-perfect scenes in my head without any regard for reality. I assume the diet didn't take very well, but I'm glad it didn't. Somethings are meant to be rejected and maybe those rejections will some day lead to NEW "acceptions".

Princes and Damsels

Have you ever dreamt of a fairy-tale ending? Where the prince wisps you off your feet and into the carriage that will bring you to the white-picket fence house? I've always had the dream of finding a prince but I've never wanted to become one of those damsel-in-distress-type girls. If I really want a prince does that mean I have to be a damsel? The typical female character that is unable to stand up for herself and use her voice. That is not me, and never will be, but does that leave me hopeless when it comes to prince charming? I suppose, when I find the right guy he'll accept me for who I am, but is this "right guy" the prince that always finds his way into my dreams? Leaves me wanting more? I never want to settle down and maybe thats another quality of mine that defies the stereotypes of princesses. And if so, do you NEED to be a princess to attract a prince?

Birthdays

Birthdays. A much dreaded word in my mind. You get a year older, a year has left you and you'll never get it back so... why not celebrate?! Whoever invented the birthday party should have REALLY thought it through a little more, but I'm sure they were just looking for a reason to have fun. Doesn't it bother you that we congratulate people for losing a precise year? Time is something that we can't escape so why do we remind ourselves every year that it's never on our side? Really, birthdays shouldn't even be allowed to be announced. Another year has slipped right out of my lungs and unfortunately my only birthday gifts this year were more wrinkles and a stunt to my growth. I so can't wait for next year! Happy birthday to me...

Running to The Future

Why are we so willing to grow up? Do we really want to prance into our futures without any recollection of what laid behind us? I've always been one to wonder about what may happen but I think the past is such a beautiful, delicate thing that I have a hard time letting go. Imagine, altering just one simple step in your past and the possibilities of change are endless, and that is truly fascinating. Most of us are willing to modify the present to see the future or even just go straight to it, but life begins to lose it's shine that way. We are so focused on running to what's ahead that we forget what we have and who we have. If we continuously run will we ever stop? Will we ever win the race and be happy where we are? And when we get there will it be too late to enjoy it?

The Inescapable Friend Paradox

Making friends. REAL friends. Do you go all in right away, or do you slowly integrate? Everyone is different, but how do you choose? How do you let people in? Have you ever been through something that makes you back off from others, isolate yourself? Sometimes, friends seem like they don't understand. I assume that I don't have any real friends yet, but I imagine people that do always know who to turn to. But how do you get there? I've always moved around so I've never had a chance to get close to anyone, let alone making friends that last. Maybe I should try a little harder, put in more effort, but isn't the whole idea is that you should be yourself around a friend? Great, another complicated inescapable paradox.

Leave it to Fate?

How do you know when you'll find someone, THE someone? I know at my age it seems as though I have so much time, but don't you ever wonder when? I hate being at the awkward stage when you just don't know, and thats the worst part; not knowing. You have no idea who, or when, or where. How can we leave it all to fate when it's never fair to us? I know life is never exactly "fair" but don't we have a right to know who we could possibly be spending our entire life with? I'm probably over-thinking it just, I want to be happy. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I can't be happy without someone, but I'm sure it helps. I guess the overall moral here is that some things are out of our control. Let fate do it's job, and maybe I'll bump into someone. Maybe everything will come together.

We Judge, We lie, We Cheat, We Fold

Do we all have a hard time accepting someone that's different? In some situations we value originality, but when it comes down to our physical appearance or even our personality the beauty of it seems to disappear. We judge, we lie, we cheat, and we fold. I almost find it insulting when people deceive who they are to be something fake. Why do we put on a mask to cover a beautiful face? Everyone's good enough in their own way, but I find that people have given up on believing that. They'd rather be superficial and popular than understood. We weigh quantities over qualities and that forces us to become liars. Do we really want to have to face the world day in and day out molded to what others want? Or do we want to wake up every morning excited to be who we are, to be accepted? I for one, would rather be accepted for me, wouldn't you? We need to STOP judging, lying, cheating, and folding ourselves. We need to be us, be free.

Inevitable Investments

How can people completely invest themselves in a relationship right away? They say it's love at first sight but honestly we all get nervous, we all have doubts and second thoughts, some more than others. But does that give us the right to go all in, when we actually aren't? When we're scared of making a mistake, or of saying the wrong thing? Relationships have proven to barely last forever so why do we sign ourselves up again and again to be torn down, just to feel another heart wrenching breakup? It's almost as if humans are immune to wondering what will happen in the end. We never think about our own death, our own heartbreaks, and our own losses. We push the curious details to the back of our minds and lock the in a box just to throw away the key, but why? Do we get too anxious to deal with it? Too afraid? I admit, personally, I have a slight fear of dying and thinking about my future breakups. But, is that the reason we invest ourselves into someone at the beginning? Because we can't think of the future consequence? Because we refuse to feel what will, inevitably, happen? We refuse to see pain. 

   

Experiences

Some of the greatest minds say to write from your experiences. I have a hard time being able to write from my perspective when I don't even fully grasp it. I'm not saying that it's a completely different universe in my head, but it's grown a lot more complex than I expected. We do grow from our experiences but if we only write from them doesn't that confine us? If we only ever reminisce in the past how can we ever expand in our future? I tend to question everything I've been through, to understand it differently. I just want ask and uncover answers. That's what life is about and thats how I write it. How I write about my life. How I write MY life.

They're Made To Stay

Secrets. Things we keep buried inside our heads that burn a never-ending hole. Secrets never leave, never hide, and they never fade. They're made to stay. To stay a lifetime. We carry around burdens of our past into our potential filled future. We lose sight on what's important just to become consumed and haunted by an internal termite. We cover it up with a smile we once used honestly, and we laugh with our voices that we once used to stand up for ourselves with. We become worn out, suffocated by fear that one day our secret will be revealed or that one day it will happen again. It plays day after day like a broken record but we've lost access to the plug, we've lost our innocence. Every day is just another attempt to forget about it even for a second, a second filled with hope. Thats why we live on hope, it delivers us to each day with our pocket full of dreams, our cries for help and our voice almost ready to let it slip. To let the burden break off and never return. To find the eye craved light at the end of the dark, terrifying tunnel. To find a new beginning.

Risk Taker

Have you ever felt like you needed a jump start to get out of your skin? Almost like a boost of confidence to accomplish something completely out of your comfort zone. Most of the time I have so much trouble just speaking up but lately I've come to the realization that breaking your skin is DEFINITELY needed. You feel like a new person, almost reborn in a way, and when you decide to grow some balls, it's sorta refreshing. More people should try it, more people should BE it. Be the risk taker you've always wanted to be. I mean, we always say we're going to bungee jump or drive a motorcycle but who ACTUALLY follows through? We all have a subconscious bucket-list, but most are willing to give it up. Why? Don't you want to experience thrills and be able to tell the most exotic stories when you're older? I do! If anything I want to leave behind something, even if it's a legendary title thats passed down through my family. I want to be that risk taker I've always dreamt of. Don't you?

Curve Ball

Have you ever been so devastated by someone's reply? So unexpected that it throws a curve ball right into your gut? Honestly, I think we've all been there. Do we give people the capability of having power over us? Do they only bother us because we let them? Most would deny it, however after thinking about it over and over, I've come to the conclusion that we do give people control over ourselves. It's sad really, we should be who we are yet we allow others to change that. Words seem so small, just a few short letters, but they can mean so much if we let them. So why do we let offensive words created by narrow minds bother us?

Blank Sheet

A blank sheet of paper. So full of potential with the ability to accomplish so many things. Whether it being homework, or a scrap piece of doodles it still has an imprint left upon it, almost as though it's fate has given it a purpose. I like to think of people as blank sheets, as long as their willing I suppose. You can't force fate. Perhaps, at the second of our birth we are written upon, given a reason, and every lingering moment afterwards leads us to our words, our doodles, and our being. Some become fixated on work when others are left to the unknown with their artistic abilities. Does the paper describe who we are? Can it change who we are? Were we all given potential at the beginning of our time, and we continued on writing it - without even knowing? Many have crashed and burned but even more shone, brighter than a rain drop perfectly hitting the sun. Don't rip or destroy your paper, just keep it crinkled, giving it a touch of personality. We all should carry on writing, carry on those inspired doodles, but most importantly carry on creating ourselves.

Where Are You New Guy?

The new guy. A new start? All the popular's want their claws in him, we all fantasize over him, and no one ever gets him. Until now? He's good looking, charming, smart, and attentive. How can any girl say no? Well according to a rare few - they can. I've always dreamt about the perfect new kid making his way into the small town I'm from and falling for an average girl like me, unfortunately he never came. I mean, sure, there were a bunch of new kids but one by one the "Somebodys" grabbed them and took them like prey. Isn't it funny the typical motto that good girls want the bad boys and that the nice guys want the troubled girls? Is there EVER any exceptions? Apparently, not where I'm from. I guess I'll dream and keep my hopes high but I have a feeling these guys are forever within our dreams. The perfect princes have become nothing but a myth over time. That leaves me one thing to ask; Where are you, new guy?

Remember

Have you ever lost someone? Someone important, so important that continuing your life without them seemed so impossible at the time? You leave their things untouched, as if somehow it'll will bring them back. You revive all the memories you spent with them just to keep their picture fresh in your mind. I've always wondered how we push through the pain? Do we attempt to forget, or do we remember them everyday just to carry on? Once you begin to enter the secure yet occupied closets and bedrooms, life unfolds in front of you. You realize it's okay to carry on, it's okay to feel what you feel, and it's okay to clean out those closets. But most of all you discover it's okay to remember.

Love - The Possibilities

Love is full of possibility and hope. We hope for our first kiss, first love, first "I love you," and even our first time. What we don't hope for is our first heart break. It's funny that we never give it a second glance, even when those two words have the power to break us down - further than we've ever been before. We always wonder what all our firsts will be like; awkward, perfect, worth the wait? When we finally get through our firsts we begin to realize that there's so many more seconds, and thirds laying ahead that have the same possibilities. The same hope.

Love

Have you ever wondered what love is? The dictionary describes it as an intense emotional feeling for whom you show affection towards. In reality, its so much more complex than that. Is it getting swept away by that one person you can solely trust? Is that love? Or is love just simply imbedding who you are in someone and them not retracting themselves? I'm only 16 but I've always wondered about love, as I'm sure most of you have. Does it happen right before our eyes in the first few seconds of meeting that person, or does it come along with time and commitment? Once you find it can you stare into each others' eyes for hours without even thinking about it? Can you lay together, purely listening to each other breathe - slowly devouring the crisp air with every breath? Maybe someday I'll uncover love's mysteries but as for now I'm satisfied with my daydreams and thoughts.

Paths Ahead

I find myself wondering where I'll be in the future. I've been known to fade away in the land of thoughts more than once. Isn't it so exhilarating knowing that we have no idea where we will end up? There are so many explanations for that such as fate, god, destiny. I have my own idea, I think we all have the ability to see ourselves in the future if we look hard enough and with pressing effort you can get there; have your dream job, be a billionaire, travel the world. There is so much that is unknown in our paths ahead yet it's right there for us to discover. Waiting patiently, attempting to preach hints as to where we should go, what turn to take. Everything that we do, every action we make causes an effect on our future. There are so many possibilities and chances that your life will change. To me, change is always good, it promotes self growth. Have you wondered where you'll be? Have you changed at all? Let your life shift for you. 

Blind Spot

I think it's funny how we remember only the best in certain people. We forget all the pain they put us through just to see them in a better light. Thats when we break the honesty, in that moment when we sugarcoat what we see. We become clouded by the feeling we get, the butterflies. You become overwhelmed with fear of losing this feeling that you pretend you don't see what you do. Even when it's so clearly presented, right in front of us we continue to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Focused on purely the brightness when we are surrounded by darkness. I've fallen for a certain someone who put me through everything and I was completely invested while he, well, was not. The whirl of emotions and constant confusion was appealing to start of with, but as it progressed, became irritating and complicating. It took me a year to wake up and realize what was going on; I put all of his flaws into my blind spot. Why do we make ourselves think that we can settle for less than happiness? We all deserve someone who has lovable flaws. To each his own right?

"I Love You"

"I love you." We throw around the saying to such an extent these day that the meaning has begun to lose its shine. Its specialty. We say it to our mailman, strangers who might have been a help in the past, and even inanimate objects. These three words were created to allow someone to express themselves when they were ready to present a loved one with a surprise. Present day, our plumber thinks we love him. Unfortunately people have gotten caught up in this that their timing is never right. We should be able to say the eight letters when we're ready, when our time comes, but its almost as though it's not an important step in a relationship anymore. "Hey, how was your coffee?" "Good, thanks. I love you." "You too." And have we even lost the ability to fully reply to, "I love you?" Remember in third grade when the teacher says begin your sentence with the ending of the previous statement or question. THATS how you reply to, "I love you." NOT "You too," or plain out "Thanks, babe." Love is something people can't even begin to describe so why have we forgotten that love is honest? How can you be honest with something you don't fully understand? Something so pure does not deserve to be degraded. "I love you," should be said to THAT person. Say it when you mean it.

Alcohol

Do we find it so difficult to say what we want? We have to turn to a by-product of human stupidity for years just to release our thoughts. Does relying on alcohol make people feel as though they are safe to say what they think? If so, doesn't the reaction just get postponed until everyone is sober again? Most people would argue that we use alcohol to have fun, feel light-hearted, and to forget our current stressers, which for the most part is true. But, once we get into the inevitable black hole of booze we confront these "stressers" making the entire situation awkward for post-party events. It's human nature to drink and explore the false high that it gives you but do we utilize it to such an extent that it is now protecting us? Is alcohol our barrier from probable fear?

Start Showing

I've always been able to put anything into words but with a certain catch, I'd need time. Unfortunately time is never on our side. Without putting something into words I have the hardest time being able to fully grasp what I'm thinking. Why do so many people say, "actions speak louder than words," when most of them don't actually follow these guidelines themselves. Honestly, actions DO speak louder than words but if only it didn't take so much courage to be able to make these actions happen. I guess thats why it's so surprising when we see them. It's time to break our shell, to be and say what we want, to who we want and than show them what we mean. If actions speak louder than words, can you honestly say you follow this rule? Can anyone? Writing what you think says what you feel but doing what you think SHOWS what you feel. Start showing, stop writing.

Happiness, Work, or Both?

Why is it that people settle their dreams just to achieve a certain salary? Have we become so emerged in money that we can't live without it? That we won't be able to live without it. Waking up every morning excited to go to work is what we should dream for, it's what allows us to live. Happiness is something people attempt to purchase with things, but having an occupation that you absolutely love -without a doubt- can make you happy. We should believe in what we do and have a passion for it. In some situations it's difficult to determine whether or not you will be capable of living on you're dream job but if you want it enough, it's possible. We all get to the point where we have to decide what we want, but for me - I want to wake up every morning, just to go to work with a smile on my face. I want to love to work.

Tears

Tears. What do they resemble? Pain? Happiness? Love?... Almost every feeling can be displayed with tears so why is it that we relate them with sadness? Don't get me wrong, most of the tears I have shed are associated with grief however I'm not one to cry when I'm overwhelmed with happiness. Another thing - Why do tears hurt when they stream down your face? The scientific answer would be that the salt in your body's excretion of tears irritates your skin but why do they really hurt? I think they deliver pain because tears are a symbol of our limit. We have finally become so full of an emotion that we can not possibly create anymore. This causes pain and maybe even fear for some. Tears are beautiful really, so delicate that if you touch one it disappears. Tears are liquid crystal in a way. Full of passion but easily manipulated.