Inner Dialogue

Our inner dialogue says a lot about us. Everything we are is contained in our thoughts. We're contained. But sometimes when the restriction isn't on our thoughts but how we express them to the world, the barrier blurs. I can tell myself anything - it's natural, because there's no control. But are we ever going to be this organic with someone else? Can I say everything in my head or should I put on my filter? If I want someone to like me, shouldn't the filter be unnecessary? Or is the real me the one I am around people? Which personality am I?

- The innocent girl I act around parents?
- The party girl who clubs?
- The nerd who studies?
- The Star Wars geek?
- The lost musician?
- The broken one?
- The runner?

Who am I? Who are you? Are we the person that we show the world the most? Are we a combination of these aliases? All I know is that the thoughts that stream together in my mind feel raw - they feel real. But what happens when my mind pulls me down? Is that negativity a part of me? Is it part of my make up? Where do these aspects come from?

Wouldn't it be soothing to know exactly who you were? When you're the realest? I think it would make picking partners, careers, friends, and even movie choices easier. I think if we knew who we were life's struggles wouldn't exist. And honestly, that's what living is for. Getting through the tough times to understand the bad. With every storm there's a clear sky. And with still water, there's a ripple. Somewhere. Maybe not knowing who we are only increases our chances of finding ourselves. When we get those waves of self-knowledge, they are more appreciated if we don't know who we are. And we can also identify our bad moments, the ones that are so far from ourselves - so far from the truth. With every stained drop of water, the next one is always clear.

Eventually Spring Will Thaw Winter

Change. It's uncomfortable and terrifying. Why does it have to happen? We give reasons for its purpose but honestly, I think change just has to happen. Where would we be without it? Change gives us two options - adapt or get left behind. And no one likes to be left behind. But adapting, morphing - growing - hurts. As kids we always hear the term "growing pains." Well guess what? The growth never stops hurting. But regardless of the tears, the movement, and the aching, emerging from the cocoon is good. Change is good. Change is everything. Because without it we would've been left behind. We change place, time, people, emotions, beliefs, and eventually the person who we are changes. But through all the shifting it's good to hold onto something. Keeping yourself grounded is everything too. Sometimes it's a line we repeat to get through the transition. Sometimes it's a hand to hold. And sometimes it's just a song. But without this talisman we chaotically spin through the wind - a lost balloon. So accept the change. Because eventually Spring will thaw Winter. And Summer's sun will soak up Spring's rain. Accept the pain that straggles behind the change, because you'll grow. You will blossom into yet another you - and that is everything.

Do You Feel Their Warmth When They're Not There?

Defeat. Vulnerability. Exposure. Weakness. Love. You can't be in love if you're not defenceless. Every single brick you spent your life building crumbles. You're in love. And it's scary and terrifying but at the same time, it's exhilarating and beautiful. Every feeling you've ever experienced just doesn't compare. You hear in the silence. You see in the dark. You can feel them when they're not there. Because love is two people becoming one. Dependency. It's a kind of independent dependency. Just because we can live without them, doesn't mean you have to. It's the choice of dependency. 

But how can you express this? How can you show someone that you hear them in the silence? That you see them in the dark? That you feel their warmth in the air? Saying those three words simply doesn't measure up in my mind. You can't express this type of love through a few words you say to your family, friends, pets. It's different. It's consuming. It's captivating. You only feel it for one person. So how do you tell them? How can I say "I love you" without saying "I love you?" How do you show them you hear silence, that you see vivid colours in the dark, that their warmth follows you? You can't show them. We're supposed to trust that the three words convey this. But they don't. 

Someone that holds you through tears, listens to your pain, understands your faults, and loves you regardless is something pure. He's pure. Maybe it's not necessary to tell them. Maybe you don't need words. Maybe all you need to do is reciprocate their love. Just keep being the same person you were. Keep expressing your love through actions. Keep holding his hand when he's sick. Look in his eyes. Discuss his favourite books. Listen when he needs to be heard. Hold him when he can't say anything. Be you. And they'll be who they are. And I think the love will keep growing. The merging of two continues. And you'll hear, see, feel things when it doesn't make sense. You'll hear, see, feel them when it doesn't make sense. You're defeated, vulnerable, exposed, weak, and in love. And that's okay. 

Screaming Colours

Some relationships are born to die, but everything in between is so mystical that they reel you in. The colours scream and every touch deepens. But as the mystery draws you inward, you realize that so does every mistake. The good and bad swirl together, blurred, becoming unidentifiable. These relationships are the passionate ones, where everything is so intense and meaningful, yet so raw. You wear out. And so does the relationship. But some relationships are born to last. Now, this type of connection can be passionate too, intoxicating in the way you hang on their every word. But the difference is that this high wears off every now and again, because they ground you. They keep you searching yourself for answers. You don't rely on them for excitement or change or anything, but they make everything better. That's why these relationships last, because you're your own person as are they, but you form a bond, a connection that feed off of one another, and it never stops growing. Because if someone is to give us anything, it should be growth. And you may grow from those relationships that are born to die. But you grow to learn that the relationships born to last are the ones to strive for. Because you don't grow from the aftermath of the relationship, but you grow from the relationship itself. You grow, build, and feed from the person. You learn that screaming colours aren't everything.

We All Lose in Games and Love

The game 'Say Uncle' reminds me of saying I love you for the first time. Don't know the game? Well, if you've never played Say Uncle as a kid, here's the gist; someone bends your arm behind your back harder and harder until you say Uncle. And the person who wins, who speaks first, holds all the power. It's sort of like saying I love you in a blossoming relationship. There's only silence until someone cracks. Like the end of phone calls and departures, when you don't really know what to say. I love you is too much, I like you sounds weird, I miss you sounds needy, so what do you say in the silent gaps? You also risk losing all the power if you say it first, if you mumble the three words. You lose the power because you're the one who needs them. You transform from the fun, relaxed girlfriend to the powerless girl unable to control her feelings. But should we control them? Should we pretend we don't feel what we do? The only solution would be to say it at the same time, and well, we all know that no one ever feels the exact same as another. That's the reality behind love, and that's the reality behind Say Uncle; you lose either way. You say it first, and you become powerless. You say it second, and you lost the chance to own up to your feelings. You say Uncle first, and you're weak. You're the one breaking someone's arm, well you lost a friend - and possibly your sanity. So what's next? If we're all losers, what's the next step? Do we fight the feelings and the urge to verbally spill everywhere or do we admit that we're all losers? We win some, we lose some. And I'd rather lose power than someone I love. Wouldn't you?

Alive

I'm never sure where to start these posts. Sometimes, in my head, I'm questioning everything. So where do I start? Well, recently, I've begun with my inspiration behind a lot of my writing: relationships. I'm not sure why this seems to be such a natural subject for me. Maybe all the TV shows, advertising, and the endless need to make women feel wanted in order to fulfill them bothers me. And maybe thats why I question relationships. But I think the real reason, as of now, is that I'm in a relationship I don't need to question, everything comes so naturally. Life never works like this for me and neither has any of my relationships. Usually I'm consciously picking out my next sentence and worrying about the placement of my hands - let alone all the intimate details. But I'm not like that this time and it feels exhilarating. But it also feels scary. Because the unknown, the different, the peculiar is scary. And that's what this is, and it's not a bad thing. So, naturally, I question it. But not the I'm-uncomfortable-with-its-existence sort of questioning, more like the I-cannot-believe-this-is-happening-to-me questioning. And so the questions flood. Where will this go? Is it as natural for him? Is there a future? Does he want me the way I want him? Will his smile ever turn sour? A part of me believes this is a trial run for him, because I was like that years ago. But, another part of me, the part that I don't let anyone see, hopes for something more. Something pure. But what we have is pure already, so shouldn't I be satisfied with that? And that's the thing: I AM. THAT is why I question it. Although, right now, I plan to continue the late night family talks and the drunken strolls and the stares while we move together. I plan to keep everything the same, because this is how everyone should feel. This is how things were meant to be felt. This is how I feel and I feel alive. 

Time is Love

When I was young, my parents used to tell me that the right to date was reserved for forty year-olds. As I got older they changed this rule; to date someone you have fun with on a day to day basis. I was lectured to not pick my partners based purely on the fact of envisioning a future with them.

"It never lasts."
"You're too young to make something work forever."
"It's too stressful."
"If I can't make it last, how could you?"

So I began dating people I had fun with. I didn't care if I saw a future together or not - it was never necessary. To be honest, I started my current relationship without the future in mind. But, as I'm reaching twenty and really taking a deep look at myself, I think: Do any of the guys I've dated mean anything to me now? Did they ever effect me in such a way that changed my life? Will I remember any of them on my last day? The answer? I won't remember them the way you're supposed to remember a past relationship. Because some things will always be toxic.

So I think my parents' philosophy was wrong. Dating, while blinded about the future, can destroy two people. How can you even date someone who doesn't have anything in common about future goals and lifestyles and living arrangements and the most daunting, kids? As I ponder the ruins of my previous relationships, I really wonder if none of them worked out because I never saw a future. Or maybe they didn't work because I didn't want a future. Sometimes I have moments where all I want is the present. All I want is the now. And the thing about guys, well, they can give me the now, just not a future. But I was the same way until recently; never discussing plans or dreaming about my wedding like other girls. I spent my time dreaming in the present.

But that's the thing. Love isn't about the now, it's about time. And although I run from love - when it happen upon me, without any warning - I know I'll want to envision a future. Why? Because love is seeing your
self with someone through the worst. Love is being there when no one else is. Love is being everywhere and nowhere. It's about knowing when to shut up and when to speak. It's about kissing them through their tears. It's about time. Because time is commitment.

I find that many people may equate what I believe love to be with marriage. The line is fine. But, marriage adds in the extra ropes of paperwork, symbols, and vows. But when I fall in love, and know that I'll spend my life with this individual, I won't need a contract to abide by. All I'll need is time. Because time is love.