Alive

I'm never sure where to start these posts. Sometimes, in my head, I'm questioning everything. So where do I start? Well, recently, I've begun with my inspiration behind a lot of my writing: relationships. I'm not sure why this seems to be such a natural subject for me. Maybe all the TV shows, advertising, and the endless need to make women feel wanted in order to fulfill them bothers me. And maybe thats why I question relationships. But I think the real reason, as of now, is that I'm in a relationship I don't need to question, everything comes so naturally. Life never works like this for me and neither has any of my relationships. Usually I'm consciously picking out my next sentence and worrying about the placement of my hands - let alone all the intimate details. But I'm not like that this time and it feels exhilarating. But it also feels scary. Because the unknown, the different, the peculiar is scary. And that's what this is, and it's not a bad thing. So, naturally, I question it. But not the I'm-uncomfortable-with-its-existence sort of questioning, more like the I-cannot-believe-this-is-happening-to-me questioning. And so the questions flood. Where will this go? Is it as natural for him? Is there a future? Does he want me the way I want him? Will his smile ever turn sour? A part of me believes this is a trial run for him, because I was like that years ago. But, another part of me, the part that I don't let anyone see, hopes for something more. Something pure. But what we have is pure already, so shouldn't I be satisfied with that? And that's the thing: I AM. THAT is why I question it. Although, right now, I plan to continue the late night family talks and the drunken strolls and the stares while we move together. I plan to keep everything the same, because this is how everyone should feel. This is how things were meant to be felt. This is how I feel and I feel alive.