Next Steps; Wash, Push, Clean

I think people try to "find" love. We search and search and force it to come about. Unfortunately, I've learnt when we force these things the results are less than desirable. Relationships break down and the perfect glass bond that once held two people together shatters. Love cannot be searched for. It cannot be sought after. Love cannot be found. It just happens. Recently, I gave up on love and was going to test myself with a 12 month abstinence period - no romantic relationships whatsoever. To my surprise someone "came along." Out of thin air the perfect guy, literally from my dreams, appeared. I think the trouble now is opening up and letting him see me. Its hard to do so when you can't even show yourself who you've grown to become. I used to long for this moment - for stumbling upon prince charming - and now I don't know what the next step is. Yes, I'm aware of handholding and other physical interactions, but emotionally I feel stunted, and he's well, not stunted. I'm stuck and I feel like I'm going to shatter this bond, although not glass, its a fragile flower blossoming in the spring air. Maybe he thinks I'm different than what I am. Maybe he expects different from what I can give him. Maybe he just wants me. Maybe. As for now, I suppose following the waves will suffice. I'll let the water wash over me, push me, clean me, until I take my next step. I'm sliding into a dreamy abyss with a loss for a next step. I'm sliding into a dreamy abyss and I'm scared. I'm scared.

Just Another "Friday"?

Time doesn't exist to me. Seconds are not seconds, they last as long as we want. When you spend your time pursuing something you love, time flies. When you spend your time pursuing something you hate, time ticks by slowly. Why does this happen? I'm sure science has come to a perfectly intelligible answer, but there is another reason for me. Time simply exists in the our mind. The only solid empirical evidence of time we have is the 24-hour time shift of each morning transitioning to the next. Some days pass by in an instant because we choose to enjoy every moment so fully that we lose track of this concept we implement on reality: time. The days that slowly slug away are perceived this way because we focus on time as opposed to the interaction at hand. In order to enjoy everything and forget this forced ideal, we must realize that each new second we are given is a second no-one will every experience, but you. And it all starts now. And now. And now. Each second that ticks away is only drained because we take fore-granted this new second, a new chance, and a new life. Wake up tomorrow and don't view it as another "Friday" or another "April morning," its another day you will only experience once and never again. Be so enthralled by this moment that you simply forget time.

Words

Words are tricky. There are used for so many things but I like to think they work best as descriptors. We all have a word to describe ourselves. Some are passionate, others are caring, and possibly thoughtful. I think its hard to narrow down the options to find just one, but I believe everyone has a word. I'm in search for mine. The complexity behind a personality is difficult to navigate, but it always comes down to one point. One point starts it all and we grow from there, we develop further. I think the reason why people lose themselves is because they don't know where this point is or what it is. They transform themselves off the beliefs that they are something different, they become lost. I suppose the best part is that the only way to grow is from ruin, the only way to come home is when you're lost. We all have a word, its buried within our souls, pushing outwards. If you have yours, covet it. As for right now, I'm in search of mine.

Infamous Glory

I've been asked recently why I don't make this blog more public, why not advertise my writing? Well when I write its a kind of art, but its not art in the sense you are thinking of. Although words can be a form of art, this blog is art based on the way it makes me feel. It lets me offer my opinions to the entire world without any regret --- and that is art. Yes, I sing, dance, paint, draw, and I have lots of experience mixing these together but art isn't always what we see. Art can be the smell of bacon cooking, or the sound of a leaf crumbling under your feet, or even touching a wall. Art can be the feeling you get after a long walk. Art is something that allows people to think of something differently. My blog is exactly that. Perhaps it has never changed your viewpoint of the world and never will, but it helps me change. Change is inevitable and this is how I'd like to change. Alter yourself to see this world --in all its infamous glory-- differently.

Pawns

Appearances are a tricky thing, yet we manage them everyday. For women, makeup and hair products becomes and necessity as does cologne and a muscular build for men. Each of us has a wall we front the world with. Brick by brick it builds, until one day it never comes down. We start out life free of this barrier and as we grow we learn things that just pile up. Regardless of how tall and 'built' our wall is we become so immersed in presenting it and keeping it's appearance we lose track of ourselves sometimes. Not only can we lose track of ourselves but the ones around us fade into a blurred abyss of confusion. Although one starts out with as honest and trusting, they may become vile and ill-hearted. It takes a careful eye and a trained mind to understand someone based off their looks and actions. Empathy is another important quality to maintain and refrain from judgements until its rightly due. I suppose the world out there is more distanced than first assumed. We're all pawns hiding behind the knights, who in the end run from the king and queen.

"Find Yourself"

"Find yourself." I hear this often. What does it mean? Do I attempt to embody a confident version of myself? Or is the journey more of an external one? In all honesty, I've used this excuse as a break-up line. Yes, shameful and witless, at the time I just needed a reason. However, I think the reason behind why I and many other people break up with their partners is because they actually don't know who they are yet. How can you know someone else when you don't know yourself. You can be eleven, twenty-six, or even eighty-five and still not know who you are. I agree, its simple to narrow the path, but to find an exact person that fits your being like a puzzle piece slipping into place is rare. To me, finding yourself is a lifelong adventure. Its embracing the external, internal, and every possible angle you are made up of. Sometimes people run away from their troubles and flee to a new life. Some travel the world, meditate in their backyards, or spend more time with their kids. Some people go about their day and don't worry about who they are. I've decided that as opposed to running away, meditating, and pretending it doesn't matter I will write. I will write because each word flowing from my fingers is a part of me, whether I like it or not. I will write because I will find myself.

Possibilities and Belonging

I've been thinking a lot recently about my future and where it'll lead. In philosophy we learn of the Principle of Alternative Possibilities (Frankfurt). A brief summary, simply put, is that people have various forks in the road they may take, however there only ends up being one road we follow. This is where the controversy of freewill and determinism arise. Do I have the choice to choose the path I'm on or is it designed? Aside from the debacle that the philosophy community undergoes in regards to this principle, I've reached my own conclusion -- it doesn't matter. Now I'm not saying this out of laziness or for the hopes of my will being free, I say this because something terrifying gives way when our alternatives are visioned. To me, the scariest thing in the world is wondering if you're where you should be. This thought brings confusion, frustration, and all the other possibilities pile into your head. Am I where I should be? It echoes through my head quite often. The reason behind it's terror is simple, we were born to be where we are now, whether it was predestined or not. We are here now. We exist in this moment. Alone. Why make it worse than it has to be? Why question it? I belong on the path I've paved and so do you. Let yourself belong.