I think people try to "find" love. We search and search and force it to come about. Unfortunately, I've learnt when we force these things the results are less than desirable. Relationships break down and the perfect glass bond that once held two people together shatters. Love cannot be searched for. It cannot be sought after. Love cannot be found. It just happens. Recently, I gave up on love and was going to test myself with a 12 month abstinence period - no romantic relationships whatsoever. To my surprise someone "came along." Out of thin air the perfect guy, literally from my dreams, appeared. I think the trouble now is opening up and letting him see me. Its hard to do so when you can't even show yourself who you've grown to become. I used to long for this moment - for stumbling upon prince charming - and now I don't know what the next step is. Yes, I'm aware of handholding and other physical interactions, but emotionally I feel stunted, and he's well, not stunted. I'm stuck and I feel like I'm going to shatter this bond, although not glass, its a fragile flower blossoming in the spring air. Maybe he thinks I'm different than what I am. Maybe he expects different from what I can give him. Maybe he just wants me. Maybe. As for now, I suppose following the waves will suffice. I'll let the water wash over me, push me, clean me, until I take my next step. I'm sliding into a dreamy abyss with a loss for a next step. I'm sliding into a dreamy abyss and I'm scared. I'm scared.
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