Possibilities and Belonging

I've been thinking a lot recently about my future and where it'll lead. In philosophy we learn of the Principle of Alternative Possibilities (Frankfurt). A brief summary, simply put, is that people have various forks in the road they may take, however there only ends up being one road we follow. This is where the controversy of freewill and determinism arise. Do I have the choice to choose the path I'm on or is it designed? Aside from the debacle that the philosophy community undergoes in regards to this principle, I've reached my own conclusion -- it doesn't matter. Now I'm not saying this out of laziness or for the hopes of my will being free, I say this because something terrifying gives way when our alternatives are visioned. To me, the scariest thing in the world is wondering if you're where you should be. This thought brings confusion, frustration, and all the other possibilities pile into your head. Am I where I should be? It echoes through my head quite often. The reason behind it's terror is simple, we were born to be where we are now, whether it was predestined or not. We are here now. We exist in this moment. Alone. Why make it worse than it has to be? Why question it? I belong on the path I've paved and so do you. Let yourself belong.

Endings

I think the people who are right for us never appear that way at first. There is always a situation in which the two must be separated before united like a wave lapping against the shore only to return to its embodying form. I used to believe we all had soul mates - someone who held the only half. I don't believe that anymore. I think we're thrown into a pool of people with whom we share varied compatibilities and we must scale these, we must measure these. Perhaps I only reason this because its objective and concrete, something I can put my hands on. It reminds me of the triangle that places the three qualities; wealth, kindness, and looks, on the points. You can only pick two. For me, its a rather simple choice, I've never been fond of money, but for some its far more eye opening. The challenges that present themselves with people who you share a connection with are meant to exist. If they didn't, how would you know that you were willing to fight for this person from day one? I agree, separation appears as an odd way to distinguish possible mates, but if the fire doesn't burn immediately, it won't burn in the end. And as we all know, endings are what make a story.

Pain - An Inevitable Choice

Pain is a funny thing. We try to run from it, but it makes us human. Our thoughts crumble, feelings shatter, and our lives fall. Physical pain can only be felt to a certain extent until death, but emotions work differently. Our feelings don't have a spectrum, but they aren't random either. They are threads, weaving and intertwining with other feelings. They mix and grow, shed and deteriorate. I'm not really sure how to picture it, but my best guess would be an infinite piece of cloth knit in all sorts of directions. Various colours, textures, rips, holes, and tears. It would look random, but if you followed a single path it would make sense. Pain isn't easy, but it isn't impossible to handle. I could say it makes you stronger, but in the moment it makes you weaker and vulnerable. The one thing to remember about pain is that it makes you feel. Whether we admit it or not pain is inevitable, but deciding what we are hurt by is what matters. Choose carefully.

Reliance

I think being reliant on someone has its ups and downs. You need them - despite all the barriers - you just want them. It doesn't have to make sense. I think its worse to be alone then to rely on someone, but I've come to the conclusion that being alone isn't always that bad. You don't have to tell people how you're feeling or whats going on inside your head. The chattering of this person swiftly turns into a screaming voice in my head. I think thats why I don't want to know how people feel about me. The risk is too much. The barrier that I've come across recently is one of regulation. A superior figure is dictating my emotions and I remain silent. I lose the opportunity to know if I can even be reliant on this person. I don't even know if he wants me but sometimes the risk is worth it. How can you even be reliant on someone if there aren't any risks? Even if the first step is a risk, how do I know? Well... hopefully I'll find out soon. Hopefully he'll be someone to rely on. If only he saw me the way I see him.

Falling Snow

I've been writing a lot recently. I don't really know why, but its happening. I drift off into a world sunken deep into my head and I'm gone. The worst part is, its a better reality then here. I've been writing a lot about romance recently. I don't really know why, well I do. Someone has suddenly changed from a great friend to a romantic image in my head. It sucks because I can hint all I want, but nothing is ever noticed. I place my hand on top of his or I grab his shoulder, I smile too much and laugh uncontrollably. He just won't notice. Maybe thats why I've been writing so much, maybe somewhere out there he'll click on this link and think of me. Wow - I really do need to get out of my head. Writing is hard. Its trying to find the balance between this world and another - a parallel universe. When I've watched the snow fall recently I picture every flake as a word. They all pile up and become something beautiful. Everyone perceives it differently. Some see slush, others see a castle. I think the way to see this situation differently is to be honest. Tell him face to face. But on the other hand, I could just keep watching the snow fall.

Inspiration

The way that I try to look at life is different. I look for inspiration. Actually I don't look or search for it, I just let it come to me. That is what prompts my thoughts, my dreams, my world. Sometimes its hard, but sometimes its beautiful. I see history and experience not what sits in front of me. I like to go outside and explore this history, but sometimes you're stuck inside. Being inside isn't so bad, I've come to realize, its about the company and the history of the people you spend your time with. Their experiences are just as deep as the water that runs through the rivers. So being inside isn't bad. Making the most of everything is the way to live, I suppose. Even when someone changes the plans and confuses you endlessly - even when you don't know how to feel - look for inspiration to find what you're looking for. Even if its something that doesn't exist.

Rules and Kisses

Somethings I just don't understand. Actually I don't understand a lot of things. I find that its one of the beauties of life - the unexpected turns. Recently, I've come to the conclusion that when you have feelings for someone theres no easy way of voicing them. You try to subtly hint or bring it up in the conversation - but theres no win. I find for guys, everything subtle is just TOO subtle. My head is screaming and my voice is whispering. My heart flutters and my hands shake. The thing with these crushes are the boundaries that they entail. Rules and regulations. Why isn't anything picture perfect like in movies? Why is it wrong to walk up to this person and kiss them? Oh right - you have no idea how they feel. So I sit there and watch their smile and think about their eyes and I'm left in the dark. Maybe not knowing is better anyways. I'm sure smiles and eyes fade eventually like everything else.