We All Lose in Games and Love

The game 'Say Uncle' reminds me of saying I love you for the first time. Don't know the game? Well, if you've never played Say Uncle as a kid, here's the gist; someone bends your arm behind your back harder and harder until you say Uncle. And the person who wins, who speaks first, holds all the power. It's sort of like saying I love you in a blossoming relationship. There's only silence until someone cracks. Like the end of phone calls and departures, when you don't really know what to say. I love you is too much, I like you sounds weird, I miss you sounds needy, so what do you say in the silent gaps? You also risk losing all the power if you say it first, if you mumble the three words. You lose the power because you're the one who needs them. You transform from the fun, relaxed girlfriend to the powerless girl unable to control her feelings. But should we control them? Should we pretend we don't feel what we do? The only solution would be to say it at the same time, and well, we all know that no one ever feels the exact same as another. That's the reality behind love, and that's the reality behind Say Uncle; you lose either way. You say it first, and you become powerless. You say it second, and you lost the chance to own up to your feelings. You say Uncle first, and you're weak. You're the one breaking someone's arm, well you lost a friend - and possibly your sanity. So what's next? If we're all losers, what's the next step? Do we fight the feelings and the urge to verbally spill everywhere or do we admit that we're all losers? We win some, we lose some. And I'd rather lose power than someone I love. Wouldn't you?

Alive

I'm never sure where to start these posts. Sometimes, in my head, I'm questioning everything. So where do I start? Well, recently, I've begun with my inspiration behind a lot of my writing: relationships. I'm not sure why this seems to be such a natural subject for me. Maybe all the TV shows, advertising, and the endless need to make women feel wanted in order to fulfill them bothers me. And maybe thats why I question relationships. But I think the real reason, as of now, is that I'm in a relationship I don't need to question, everything comes so naturally. Life never works like this for me and neither has any of my relationships. Usually I'm consciously picking out my next sentence and worrying about the placement of my hands - let alone all the intimate details. But I'm not like that this time and it feels exhilarating. But it also feels scary. Because the unknown, the different, the peculiar is scary. And that's what this is, and it's not a bad thing. So, naturally, I question it. But not the I'm-uncomfortable-with-its-existence sort of questioning, more like the I-cannot-believe-this-is-happening-to-me questioning. And so the questions flood. Where will this go? Is it as natural for him? Is there a future? Does he want me the way I want him? Will his smile ever turn sour? A part of me believes this is a trial run for him, because I was like that years ago. But, another part of me, the part that I don't let anyone see, hopes for something more. Something pure. But what we have is pure already, so shouldn't I be satisfied with that? And that's the thing: I AM. THAT is why I question it. Although, right now, I plan to continue the late night family talks and the drunken strolls and the stares while we move together. I plan to keep everything the same, because this is how everyone should feel. This is how things were meant to be felt. This is how I feel and I feel alive. 

Time is Love

When I was young, my parents used to tell me that the right to date was reserved for forty year-olds. As I got older they changed this rule; to date someone you have fun with on a day to day basis. I was lectured to not pick my partners based purely on the fact of envisioning a future with them.

"It never lasts."
"You're too young to make something work forever."
"It's too stressful."
"If I can't make it last, how could you?"

So I began dating people I had fun with. I didn't care if I saw a future together or not - it was never necessary. To be honest, I started my current relationship without the future in mind. But, as I'm reaching twenty and really taking a deep look at myself, I think: Do any of the guys I've dated mean anything to me now? Did they ever effect me in such a way that changed my life? Will I remember any of them on my last day? The answer? I won't remember them the way you're supposed to remember a past relationship. Because some things will always be toxic.

So I think my parents' philosophy was wrong. Dating, while blinded about the future, can destroy two people. How can you even date someone who doesn't have anything in common about future goals and lifestyles and living arrangements and the most daunting, kids? As I ponder the ruins of my previous relationships, I really wonder if none of them worked out because I never saw a future. Or maybe they didn't work because I didn't want a future. Sometimes I have moments where all I want is the present. All I want is the now. And the thing about guys, well, they can give me the now, just not a future. But I was the same way until recently; never discussing plans or dreaming about my wedding like other girls. I spent my time dreaming in the present.

But that's the thing. Love isn't about the now, it's about time. And although I run from love - when it happen upon me, without any warning - I know I'll want to envision a future. Why? Because love is seeing your
self with someone through the worst. Love is being there when no one else is. Love is being everywhere and nowhere. It's about knowing when to shut up and when to speak. It's about kissing them through their tears. It's about time. Because time is commitment.

I find that many people may equate what I believe love to be with marriage. The line is fine. But, marriage adds in the extra ropes of paperwork, symbols, and vows. But when I fall in love, and know that I'll spend my life with this individual, I won't need a contract to abide by. All I'll need is time. Because time is love.

Epic Decisions

Decisions. Every conscious second we make decisions. Some good. Some bad. But we make them and something causes us to make up our minds. Either our past or facts, but regardless something triggers our motion. Something triggers us to do something we've never done before. Every action is new, even if we've repeated it a hundred times. It's new because of our gained experience or the situation or our mind set - whatever it is - something is different and we create something new. And with all decisions, the repercussions follow. Some good. Some bad. But the thing about decisions is that the decisions that change our lives, the decisions that cause the entire domino effect to stop, they are the ones that are epically good and epically bad at the same time. You question yourself a million times. What led to this? What caused my choice? Why am I changing everything I know? But I think the only reason these epic decisions are seen as epically bad is because they're scary. The unknown is scary. The decision to leave your habits, your comfort, is scary. But fear only makes us grow. And that is another choice we make. We choose to grow from this epically 'bad' decision and we choose to see its epic-ness - in all its glory. Because life can be about the patterns, the endless cycles we make. Those decisions are made, and are new every time, but they are also habits. Don't you want to choose something for you? Pick a life you want? Pick the one you want? I've never been big on relationships because they scare me. But maybe it's time to see the epic-ness. Maybe it's time to break the patterns. It's time to grow. And if I listen to my heart and use my best judgement, I'll see my epic choice is wise. And in this, I'll avoid the worst regret of them all; that something amazing passed me by.

The Future of Tomorrow

Sometimes when you date there are worries. You worry about how much you like them. You worry about how much they like you. You even worry about peeing around them. But I think I've come across the most troubling worry; the future. Should you hope for a future together? Apart? Or should we just distract ourselves from thinking about it at all? I want to picture the future together, but what if he doesn't? What if he can't even see us together in a few months, let alone graduation? I grew up on a day by day life. Taking everything a step at a time in order to handle everything. Thinking about the future back then would've made me crazy, paranoid, and scared. But now, for the first time, this is a relationship I want to daydream about. I want to think about the stupid things that we're going to fight over if we lived together. I want enact a scene in my head of the tiny apartment we can't afford and how many pillows we need. But -as there is always a but when it comes to dating- I can't see him thinking about these things. Now I should explain; I'm not thinking about marriage or kids like most girls my age. I'm not dreaming about weddings and dresses. I'm just dreaming about the future and sometimes I even dream about the future of tomorrow. Will he kiss me like our first time? Will his eyes glue to me like I hope? Will he just hug me when things go wrong? And, thankfully, the answer to those questions is yes. And that is why I picture a future with him - even if it's too soon or childish. Sometimes having something stable in your life is all you need. And I never thought the stability in my life could ever come from someone else besides myself. But maybe it can. Maybe it's already started. And maybe it's okay to dream for now, as long as I keep my mouth shut.

Sandcastles

The water scares me. It always has. And it always will. But when I watch those children on the beach in the warm summer months, with the boiling sun on their backs in the blissful wind, I gain hope. I may never build a sandcastle like theirs again - the naive imagination of a child died with my youth. But, I now build sandcastles of a different kind. I create a collection of words, fit worthy of royalty. And I build and build until the castle is fit for living. But as I turn to my next castle, my next project, the fine gains of sand that built the old and wearing towers, melt away. Each piece slips back into my imaginary deposit of vivid images, scenes, and memories to be used again. Back into the water. Back into my mind.