Inner Dialogue

Our inner dialogue says a lot about us. Everything we are is contained in our thoughts. We're contained. But sometimes when the restriction isn't on our thoughts but how we express them to the world, the barrier blurs. I can tell myself anything - it's natural, because there's no control. But are we ever going to be this organic with someone else? Can I say everything in my head or should I put on my filter? If I want someone to like me, shouldn't the filter be unnecessary? Or is the real me the one I am around people? Which personality am I?

- The innocent girl I act around parents?
- The party girl who clubs?
- The nerd who studies?
- The Star Wars geek?
- The lost musician?
- The broken one?
- The runner?

Who am I? Who are you? Are we the person that we show the world the most? Are we a combination of these aliases? All I know is that the thoughts that stream together in my mind feel raw - they feel real. But what happens when my mind pulls me down? Is that negativity a part of me? Is it part of my make up? Where do these aspects come from?

Wouldn't it be soothing to know exactly who you were? When you're the realest? I think it would make picking partners, careers, friends, and even movie choices easier. I think if we knew who we were life's struggles wouldn't exist. And honestly, that's what living is for. Getting through the tough times to understand the bad. With every storm there's a clear sky. And with still water, there's a ripple. Somewhere. Maybe not knowing who we are only increases our chances of finding ourselves. When we get those waves of self-knowledge, they are more appreciated if we don't know who we are. And we can also identify our bad moments, the ones that are so far from ourselves - so far from the truth. With every stained drop of water, the next one is always clear.

Eventually Spring Will Thaw Winter

Change. It's uncomfortable and terrifying. Why does it have to happen? We give reasons for its purpose but honestly, I think change just has to happen. Where would we be without it? Change gives us two options - adapt or get left behind. And no one likes to be left behind. But adapting, morphing - growing - hurts. As kids we always hear the term "growing pains." Well guess what? The growth never stops hurting. But regardless of the tears, the movement, and the aching, emerging from the cocoon is good. Change is good. Change is everything. Because without it we would've been left behind. We change place, time, people, emotions, beliefs, and eventually the person who we are changes. But through all the shifting it's good to hold onto something. Keeping yourself grounded is everything too. Sometimes it's a line we repeat to get through the transition. Sometimes it's a hand to hold. And sometimes it's just a song. But without this talisman we chaotically spin through the wind - a lost balloon. So accept the change. Because eventually Spring will thaw Winter. And Summer's sun will soak up Spring's rain. Accept the pain that straggles behind the change, because you'll grow. You will blossom into yet another you - and that is everything.

Do You Feel Their Warmth When They're Not There?

Defeat. Vulnerability. Exposure. Weakness. Love. You can't be in love if you're not defenceless. Every single brick you spent your life building crumbles. You're in love. And it's scary and terrifying but at the same time, it's exhilarating and beautiful. Every feeling you've ever experienced just doesn't compare. You hear in the silence. You see in the dark. You can feel them when they're not there. Because love is two people becoming one. Dependency. It's a kind of independent dependency. Just because we can live without them, doesn't mean you have to. It's the choice of dependency. 

But how can you express this? How can you show someone that you hear them in the silence? That you see them in the dark? That you feel their warmth in the air? Saying those three words simply doesn't measure up in my mind. You can't express this type of love through a few words you say to your family, friends, pets. It's different. It's consuming. It's captivating. You only feel it for one person. So how do you tell them? How can I say "I love you" without saying "I love you?" How do you show them you hear silence, that you see vivid colours in the dark, that their warmth follows you? You can't show them. We're supposed to trust that the three words convey this. But they don't. 

Someone that holds you through tears, listens to your pain, understands your faults, and loves you regardless is something pure. He's pure. Maybe it's not necessary to tell them. Maybe you don't need words. Maybe all you need to do is reciprocate their love. Just keep being the same person you were. Keep expressing your love through actions. Keep holding his hand when he's sick. Look in his eyes. Discuss his favourite books. Listen when he needs to be heard. Hold him when he can't say anything. Be you. And they'll be who they are. And I think the love will keep growing. The merging of two continues. And you'll hear, see, feel things when it doesn't make sense. You'll hear, see, feel them when it doesn't make sense. You're defeated, vulnerable, exposed, weak, and in love. And that's okay. 

Screaming Colours

Some relationships are born to die, but everything in between is so mystical that they reel you in. The colours scream and every touch deepens. But as the mystery draws you inward, you realize that so does every mistake. The good and bad swirl together, blurred, becoming unidentifiable. These relationships are the passionate ones, where everything is so intense and meaningful, yet so raw. You wear out. And so does the relationship. But some relationships are born to last. Now, this type of connection can be passionate too, intoxicating in the way you hang on their every word. But the difference is that this high wears off every now and again, because they ground you. They keep you searching yourself for answers. You don't rely on them for excitement or change or anything, but they make everything better. That's why these relationships last, because you're your own person as are they, but you form a bond, a connection that feed off of one another, and it never stops growing. Because if someone is to give us anything, it should be growth. And you may grow from those relationships that are born to die. But you grow to learn that the relationships born to last are the ones to strive for. Because you don't grow from the aftermath of the relationship, but you grow from the relationship itself. You grow, build, and feed from the person. You learn that screaming colours aren't everything.