Blame

Destiny? Fate? Freewill? Most people think that we have a choice. But sometimes I just want a reason for all the stupid shit in life. Even if the reason is something as terrifying and crazy as a pre-determined life. Maybe God is pulling our strings. Maybe life is set in motion and we follow the path we are meant to. Or maybe we're just a computer program waiting for the push of a button. Maybe. Its funny really. We wish for choices that decide our future, but when they go they wrong way we want something to blame. I guess its easier to blame a mysterious power than ourselves because if we unhappily face who we are than how can we give ourselves the opportunity to choose again? How can we entrust all this faith in ourselves when we can't even make the right decision. But maybe the mistakes are worth it because sometimes the mistakes show us that destiny doesn't exist.

Lose Control

Sometimes the most important moments in life are the unexpected ones. The ones that bite you in the butt or fall head over heel. Memorable moments cannot be planned or pre-thought. They just happen. Think about your firsts. Did they happen because you wanted them to or because they just happened. You won't remember the dates you make or the tests you write. You won't remember the presents you buy or the holidays you booked off. You remember the spontaneous decision to go out to a new restaurant, the procrastination before the test, the gifts you make, and the holidays you crammed into your schedule. You remember whats forgotten during the present. One of the most memorable moments for me was letting go. Because that is unexpected for who I am. I guess what can be taken from this is make each moment memorable, allow yourself to let this happen. Lose control and find yourself.

Wrinkles and Scars

I've come to realize that all the effort and hard work in the world will not always get you what is wanted. Unfortunately, as many adults say, "That's life." The interesting thing though is that along this journey of dedication and utter focus there is a brief moment when the destination isn't the goal anymore. The travel becomes the goal. The travel makes the memories. Along the way the goal's appearance slowly turns vivid and the blur fades. The curtain is pulled and the effort no longer seems necessary, but we keep going. We keep up the work. Why? Because as the goal diminishes we begin to work purely for the reward of independence. The reward of a journey. Think about it. When we age and grow wiser we don't convey that our rewarded goals were achieved with the number we define ourself with. We convey that our rewarded goals were achieved with the wrinkles on our bodies and the scars on our hearts. We don't compare ages. We compare stories. 

A Single Streetlamp

Chances are a tricky thing. They symbolize hope, but the reason behind the doomed first chance is undeniable. Chances are like paper; crumbled once but usable. I think that hope can be an interesting concept. A single streetlamp in a stormy night. Lonely but strong. Unique and independent. No other lamp can reproduce the same streams of light or touch the same ground. Its wondrous in its beauty. And right there, waiting in that storm is the vehicle. Second chances are hard. Sometimes they aren't fair and usually we regret giving them, but there are the few who deserve them. Those people get into the car and drive it all the way home - determined and fearless. Thats how chances should be in my opinion. When Spring eventually occurs look around and be inspired by those chances. New birds' nests, blooming buds, and a greening grass. These are the chances worth the risk - these are the chances I hope to give.

Sex

Sex. Why are people so ashamed to be open about sex? Its just sex. Well sometimes its not, sometimes its about intimacy. If you really think about it, sex is awkward. All these buildings so close, right beside one another and within each structure are lives. Different lives. One house may have two people having sex and the next house is an old man watching. Sometimes, when you really think about it, sex is awkward. Its funny too. Sex is everywhere these days, so accepted by the media. But here we are being degraded by our actions. Funny. Maybe people should be more open to who they are and what they and everyone else does. Sex. Its not weird, its not unnatural, its just sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.... Sex.

Shattering Seconds

Sometimes being yourself is hard. Sometimes we don't even know who we are. Sometimes we just want to hide it. I'm tired of people always offering up opinions of who they think I am, especially when I don't know. For a shattering second, I know - then it disappears and I'm in a maze of frozen frost. I think the key is taking risks. Commit to something, connect with someone, or even conquer your dreams. Taking baby steps may seem like basic advice, but maybe its the only way to find ourself. Maybe its the only way we can take these risks. Hopefully as we continue along this path we can make our way to an abundance of shattering seconds. An abundance of knowing. Knowing who we are. Sometimes I watch paint drip down my canvas and just wait for it to create itself, but sometimes I pick up my paint brush and create my imagination.

Stained

We celebrate birth. We celebrate death. Do we ever really celebrate whats in between or do we let it pass us by? Each day another domino filled with worry and stress, tumbling down. We work for money. We work for friendship. We work, but do we ever live? The tense faces and still-humored jokes only bring more curiosity. Another day will go by, tired and weary eyed and I'll be left another year older. Aged with dripping beauty. Is this life? Pushing through the challenges life offers? Perhaps. Sometimes it feels like this. Other times, for a brief second I smile, without intention and hope washes over my stained body. I wish I knew how to live.