Drowning

Life has thrown me some pretty unpleasant challenges. Every time I fall, I get back up again to fall. i recently found someone I want to be with, maybe a long time. Once I start to warm up to him, my past catches up and pulls me down. Trust issues and lies drown me from seeing who he really is. My past is a sea and I'm drowning. Sometimes I hope he could be my life boat, a handsome man to the rescue, but unfortunately life doesn't work like that. Once we're stuck in a deserted sea or trapped in thick molasses we remain the same. I dream of him lifting all my pain from my worn shoulders, but I know it isn't possible. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I do every time. Every time I see him pick me up in his car or standing there waiting, a glimmer of hope passes through me that this could be it. It all feels perfect until reality sets in and my logical side takes over. I want to stare into his brown eyes all night and I want to lie beside him until I fall asleep. I just want to feel something more than doubts. But if I do, what would I feel?

Puzzles

People always tell me, "There's time for that later," as though everyone lives to one hundred. But, I think the living that many kids experience is mundane and expected. We live the life we're told and follow the trail made for us by either our parents or society. Both suck. Behave. Focus. Study. In reality is just suppressing our chaos, ignoring distractions, and plowing away at our week. Not as exciting as most people plan. Sometimes I want to stand up in a lecture hall and just leave. Sometimes I want to turn the car around and just drive. Sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I want to jump off that cliff (in a none suicidal way). I've never felt like I belong anywhere. Sometimes I belong with certain people, but there is never a place for me. Maybe no one feels as though they fit in, even if they never say it. I'm saying it now. I might not have a place because where we are is usually mundane and expected. Perhaps if I get into the car and discover a place, maybe I'll fit in. Because that would be unexpected and to me, breaking out of this frozen shut shell is important. Its important because you're going to be the missing puzzle until you're found. So where do I go?

Invisible String

Parting is simply put, a part of life. We part from our parents as we come into our own. We part from childhood friends. We part from milestone moments moving to the next. And unfortunately, but eventually we part from our lives swiftly fleeing to a deep sleep. Although parting may appear discouraging, with every loss theres always a gain. When we leave our parents we find the guidance within ourselves. When we depart from childhood friends more relationships bud. When a milestone comes to an end, theres always another waiting. I like to think of life as a series of departures and arrivals - like a journey that somewhat never ends. We never truly belong to anything and that is what makes life so vivid. Theres a chance of losing everything and with that knowledge we appreciate what we have. If the chance exists of departure the more you realize how much something or someone means to you. I'd never acknowledge the meaning that people play in my life unless there was the opportunity they would no longer be there. Similar to immortality I suppose. If life became endless, what is it worth? Eternal love? No. Because love can't be love without the possibility of it ending - without it being lost. And that is exactly how life functions; without departure it becomes a repetitive motion of a single soul hanging limply on an invisible string.

Spontaneous

Sometimes I wonder what the highest level of commitment is. Marriage? Love? Rings? How does it all evolve? Does dating escalate to love than marriage? Is it a step-by-step process like paint by numbers? Maybe our society puts so much emphasis on marriage being the next step, but in reality its a christian religion that people pursue for the wrong reasons. When I first fell in love I thought it was the highest level of emotional commitment and I just wanted to be happy. I think over time you realize that sometimes love isn't enough. As the Beatles say, 'Love is all you need,' but maybe theres more. Sorry guys. Similar values, interests, and even agreeing on movies to watch comes into account. Hoe does it even happen? Love just happens. Thats the problem. One day you're liking one another, the other you fall in love. People always says its a process but for me it just happens. Why? Maybe marriage will be the same? Maybe it'll just happen? One day I'll just decide to get married. On the spot. Spontaneous. Totally NOT me. Who am I anyways? A romantic? Boring? Book-smart? Award-oriented? Awkward? Maybe. But not spontaneous. And maybe thats a good thing.

Willow Tree

I cry,
I shake,

He keeps me safe.
I'm silent,
I'm lost,
He wipes off my frost.
I wonder,
I stare,
He wipes away my hair.
I want him,
I need him,
But this feels grim.
Love,
Trust,
I must wipe off the dust.
He's there,
I'm here,
I want him near.
Wind,
Waves,
Bring him to my grave.
I lost myself,
I lost it all,
My grave rests where I fall.
I fall,
I died,
Just a little inside.
I wanted more,
I wanted it,
But there was nothing left that fit.
I want him to know,
I hope he understands,
That the wind pushed me like a grain of sand.
Bring him to me,
Let him see,
That he could be my willow tree.

Hallway

He stands in the hallway.

He looks into my eyes as I glide past his fragile body. 

A smile passes between us.

But we both pull away.

We both know its wrong. 

His painting drips blood, 

Mine explodes colour. 

If only he could see the colours I see. 

If only he could see the dreams I see. 

He's close to me. 

Face to face we stand intertwined. 

Chapped lips brush mine.

I can feel him. 

His face is warm.

My chest pumps blood.

His arms are strong.

My hair blows in the wind.

Opening my eyes, I see.

I see him in the hallway.

The Eyes You've Always Dreamt Of

There are some times in life that leave me wondering. They always seem to affect me in a way I can't write about. When you look back and think of what could have been. Sometimes I see myself twisting my head back, glancing over my shoulders. Wind in hair with aging trees and orange leaves as a backdrop. Sometimes I wonder. I used to wonder what would happen to me if I was stuck in an unfaithful relationship - unfortunately I no longer need to wonder. Subconsciously we all have the 'perfect' person in mind and you settle for less because you don't understand you deserve better. I settled for almost two years. But now I can look into someone's eyes who has the eyes I used to envision. I can hold his body, the one I have always wanted. Life leaves you wondering, but sometimes after a hard lesson learnt, life gives you the eyes you've always dreamt of.