The Fight of The Run

I run. I run from feelings. I run from love. And now I feel like I'm running from life. I've fought so hard not to feel and now I do, but I don't think I should. Something in me feels as though I should give up on emotions. They're unstable, untrustworthy, and worthless to someone who has spend her whole life fighting them. I finally feel and I'm scared. I'm going to run again. I'm going to lose him. I'm going to be alone - like always. How can I feel for him when I feel nothing within? How do I tell him I need to slow things? How? I'm left in an angst of nerves and fears. I left his house running - but he didn't know. Maybe he'll never know. Will I go back? Will I go back just to run again? How can I fix my pattern? I wonder how he'll respond. Will he try to compromise for me or am I not worth the work? I race against time, hoping to rewind to the moments when I felt something with him; those lasting gazes, his hands sliding down my body, my hands gripping his hair. I want to be there. I want to repeat. But I'm flung back into an uncertainty that he has no idea exists. And if he did know my confusion, he'd pretend to ignore it. Who really wants to talk about a girl who can't feel? Maybe he would - maybe he is the answer. Maybe. Or maybe he's another bump along the journey of numbness. Despite my doubts, a glow grows from within and I see the hope he brings me. A hope that only comes from outside - from him. Will I run from him or will he run to me?