Transacting Marriages

Thinking about the future hurts. It physically hurts - it's draining. You have things figured out in the present, but not at all for the future. I can't even decide what to add to my grocery list. You know what you want now, but shouldn't your wants now somewhat reflect what you want in the future? Does that mean our current relationships are formed on what we want later in life? Recently people have been telling me about their methodology behind dating; to date someone they can see themselves married to. I've always been one to go with the flow; I don't plan far ahead, I don't question - I just feel in the moment. But am I getting to the age where marriage is something to think about? In five years will I be married? Will I have kids? Should I start dating based on this belief, that my boyfriend has to be a potential husband? If so, how can we narrow down potential husbands? I could date someone for a month and not know nearly enough about them to decide whether or not they are it. But maybe there is a specific point where you know enough to make the decision; 6 months or a year? But imagine investing all that time for someone who isn't a good enough suitor. Imagine. To me, I don't see an investment. I see memories made, fun to be had. Relationships aren't transactions, they aren't business deals. Relationships are meant to be felt, so why does this timeline float in the back of our minds? We push ourselves into marriage, into children, into fights. I'd rather wake up one morning and just know - the feeling hits me. It won't be at first sight or our fight time - it'll will be random and unplanned; unexpected. But isn't that the beauty of love anyways? As I watch my friends plan their futures and contemplate their spouses-to-be, I'll smile at the wasted memories. Because maybe my way will end up in loneliness, but theres only one way to find out.

Who Gets You?

Sometimes all you need in life is that one person - the one person who gets you better than anyone. Someone who, through silence, war, and honesty will understand you. They get your reasons, they get your troubles, and they just get you. But what happens when you realize this person gets you too late? You're stuck with someone else, someone who's enlightening and bright - but they will never understand you. Sometimes in life, optimism isn't always the answer. Sometimes in life you need the passion, the excitement, the fierce thrill of real love. Sometimes you need it no matter the cost. Whether it be leaving the person you've begun to make a home with or disregarding the rules you grew up with. I think love, this real love, is worth anything. There is nothing more pure than the mutually intense feelings of passionate love. But how far would you go for it? There's always the saying "if it's meant to be it'll work out," so how much should you push for this purity? I used to think that nothing would stop me, but what if after the end of every battle, another war turned the corner? Maybe it's just a personal preference. And maybe some people don't mind settling, but why? Out of the 8 billion people how could not one be your fire? If I wait for the sparks, could you?

Paths

I stayed on my path
Looking for hopeful days
That was until I saw your face
The light, your eyes
Met mine
A moment in time
Stuck in the light

A glance in the kitchen
A smile in your room
Two fingers touch, no more
The spark, it tore
My wall cracked
Wanting you
But for you too?

I stopped this path
Aching from my past
Your light, drew me
But, theres always another she
I stopped
We're friends
And I hit send

Heart dropped fast
I wanted this to last
Your warmth so secure
So pure, your intent
But I turned away
In fear of pain
And then, the tears came

I took it back
Returned to your path
Captivated by your heart
Craved your light, your eyes
Strong arms and mind
Wise soul
A soul worth the fight
I will fight my past

Our clothes on the floor
Our bodies want more
My curves piece together with yours
We move, beat by beat
Your rhyme finds me
I fade into a reality worth the terror
I fade into our path

The Fight of The Run

I run. I run from feelings. I run from love. And now I feel like I'm running from life. I've fought so hard not to feel and now I do, but I don't think I should. Something in me feels as though I should give up on emotions. They're unstable, untrustworthy, and worthless to someone who has spend her whole life fighting them. I finally feel and I'm scared. I'm going to run again. I'm going to lose him. I'm going to be alone - like always. How can I feel for him when I feel nothing within? How do I tell him I need to slow things? How? I'm left in an angst of nerves and fears. I left his house running - but he didn't know. Maybe he'll never know. Will I go back? Will I go back just to run again? How can I fix my pattern? I wonder how he'll respond. Will he try to compromise for me or am I not worth the work? I race against time, hoping to rewind to the moments when I felt something with him; those lasting gazes, his hands sliding down my body, my hands gripping his hair. I want to be there. I want to repeat. But I'm flung back into an uncertainty that he has no idea exists. And if he did know my confusion, he'd pretend to ignore it. Who really wants to talk about a girl who can't feel? Maybe he would - maybe he is the answer. Maybe. Or maybe he's another bump along the journey of numbness. Despite my doubts, a glow grows from within and I see the hope he brings me. A hope that only comes from outside - from him. Will I run from him or will he run to me?