Spontaneous

Sometimes I wonder what the highest level of commitment is. Marriage? Love? Rings? How does it all evolve? Does dating escalate to love than marriage? Is it a step-by-step process like paint by numbers? Maybe our society puts so much emphasis on marriage being the next step, but in reality its a christian religion that people pursue for the wrong reasons. When I first fell in love I thought it was the highest level of emotional commitment and I just wanted to be happy. I think over time you realize that sometimes love isn't enough. As the Beatles say, 'Love is all you need,' but maybe theres more. Sorry guys. Similar values, interests, and even agreeing on movies to watch comes into account. Hoe does it even happen? Love just happens. Thats the problem. One day you're liking one another, the other you fall in love. People always says its a process but for me it just happens. Why? Maybe marriage will be the same? Maybe it'll just happen? One day I'll just decide to get married. On the spot. Spontaneous. Totally NOT me. Who am I anyways? A romantic? Boring? Book-smart? Award-oriented? Awkward? Maybe. But not spontaneous. And maybe thats a good thing.

Willow Tree

I cry,
I shake,

He keeps me safe.
I'm silent,
I'm lost,
He wipes off my frost.
I wonder,
I stare,
He wipes away my hair.
I want him,
I need him,
But this feels grim.
Love,
Trust,
I must wipe off the dust.
He's there,
I'm here,
I want him near.
Wind,
Waves,
Bring him to my grave.
I lost myself,
I lost it all,
My grave rests where I fall.
I fall,
I died,
Just a little inside.
I wanted more,
I wanted it,
But there was nothing left that fit.
I want him to know,
I hope he understands,
That the wind pushed me like a grain of sand.
Bring him to me,
Let him see,
That he could be my willow tree.

Hallway

He stands in the hallway.

He looks into my eyes as I glide past his fragile body. 

A smile passes between us.

But we both pull away.

We both know its wrong. 

His painting drips blood, 

Mine explodes colour. 

If only he could see the colours I see. 

If only he could see the dreams I see. 

He's close to me. 

Face to face we stand intertwined. 

Chapped lips brush mine.

I can feel him. 

His face is warm.

My chest pumps blood.

His arms are strong.

My hair blows in the wind.

Opening my eyes, I see.

I see him in the hallway.

The Eyes You've Always Dreamt Of

There are some times in life that leave me wondering. They always seem to affect me in a way I can't write about. When you look back and think of what could have been. Sometimes I see myself twisting my head back, glancing over my shoulders. Wind in hair with aging trees and orange leaves as a backdrop. Sometimes I wonder. I used to wonder what would happen to me if I was stuck in an unfaithful relationship - unfortunately I no longer need to wonder. Subconsciously we all have the 'perfect' person in mind and you settle for less because you don't understand you deserve better. I settled for almost two years. But now I can look into someone's eyes who has the eyes I used to envision. I can hold his body, the one I have always wanted. Life leaves you wondering, but sometimes after a hard lesson learnt, life gives you the eyes you've always dreamt of.

Time; A Journey of Wonder

I walk around this world wondering where I'm meant to be. But sometimes I wonder if I'll find out in time, before my time runs out. What is time really? Every day the fraction becomes smaller and our days run shorter. We work so hard to achieve a world with physical objects. I want a degree, money, a man, a fit body, I want the picket-white fenced house. I want... Do we ever really consider the things we need in life that would take us further than these objects? Love, honesty, friendship, and courage are all abstracts that we realize once our time is up are worth all the time in the world. We may have a husband, or be truthful, or have friends, or be brave but can we really say that we have fully experienced these abstract notions during our time? I have truly loved? Not yet. Have I ever been completely honest? Maybe, but the next question would be what is honesty? Have I built friendships? Not true ones. Am I courageous? I don't think I ever will be. In the end, time is a rare entity and we will never get it back. The last ten minutes I spent writing this will never be brought back. Time is a journey and it is time to wonder.

A Forceful Smile

I walk outside on a dreary morning hoping to come across something different. The road still has its excavated pebbles that stick to my flip-flops and the grass is still emerald green awaiting the first frost. I glide to my bus stop and wave to the lady I see every Saturday morning before work. She always waves like a queen, fingers clenched together with a cupped palm.

Birds fly over my head and cover the sun for a few seconds, leaving me in darkness. The tips of maple and oak leaves are turning yellow, although that alone is the only change I notice.

People whizz by in their old, rattling pick up trucks and rusted ancient cars. Tires shoot damp rocks onto the sidewalks and I watch them bounce, like a stone skipping over water. I contemplate the amount of force it would take to send the pebbles so far, but I push my Grade 11 Physics lecture out of my head. Todays a Saturday and I refuse to work on science at nine in the morning on my way to work. My sister's voice pops into my mind, "Nerd."

The city bus picks me up and I get to work fifty minutes early, as usual and grab an everything bagel with plain cream cheese and a medium steeped tea. As the tea flows down my throat, it rids the dry brittle voice I had earlier. Warmth fills me as the tea reaches my stomach, calming my shivering body.
I march towards the opposite side of Mapleview Mall and strut into West 49 for my shift. After a year of working I still get butterflies, perhaps its because you never know what retail will throw your way.

Steve grins at me as I bolt in the door, unplugging my headphones from the white Blackberry.

"Hi Steve,"I say. My boss smiles and returns his sight to the register, most likely filling out the hourly low-down. We have goals each employee must reach in order to make budget, although lately we've been pretty behind.

Before shuffling to the back room I gesture to Tyler and Mitch. The two are behind the skate counter building skateboards and chucking used grip tape at each other. I chuckle as I walk by and listen to the rumbling heater laying above my head. The ceiling is exposed, revealing the silver piping and air ducts. It has always reminded me of a congested machine.

After the fifty minutes come to an end, I place my finger-tip into the machine outside the office door. Once the beeping finishes, indicating the beginning of my shift I toss on a lanyard and trudge onto the sales floor. Gliding up to the register, I check my goal and cash threw a customer waiting impatiently at cash.

"How are you today?" I force a smile and regurgitate the introductory line I repeat everyday...

Different From Our Hopes

It really is interesting how we all look at the future as a better place, somewhere that we can finally be ourselves and move on from childish problems. But, unfortunately, once you're there - you STILL do not fit in. The moans of the tired freshmen that were forced to wake up right after going to bed from a party, and the glares from older students who want nothing to do with you. You're finally here - College. The glorious future you saw for yourself is suddenly a reality and it isn't so shiny. The try-hard upper year dorm advisors and the cocky residence leaders leave you feeling misplaced and lost. Welcome to school everyone! You think growing up and finally achieving this milestone in your life would be good news, and it was - until you got there. It's cloudy and misting and sadly enough you have to wear that ugly white shirt that all freshmen wear (and they never wash them). If this is what I thought growing up would be like, I probably would have purposely failed high school. You think it'll be easy to make friends, until everyone gathers in their clans and you're the only blonde - alone again, EXACTLY like high school. I keep wondering if it's just me, maybe I just don't fit in, but as I look around there are others, who do not want to be here; pretending to enjoy losing our voices while singing a cheesy cheer. After four years of working hard for a high average and spending $15,000 on university, I thought it would be different.